After abuse, God healed me of the mental injuries
As a teenager, I was sexually abused by my guitar teacher. I was terribly ashamed and did not dare confide in anyone in my small hometown - let alone my family. My teacher did it in such a way that I could not defend myself. On top of that, as a good girl, I had not learned to defend myself against adults either. It was a traumatic experience for me that I could not overcome. I suffered, was afraid and ate less and less. At some point, my mother noticed that something was not right with me. It was noticeable that I no longer wanted to pick up my guitar, I was overcome with disgust every time I did so. The teacher was confronted by my mother, but this didn’t help me. The psychological injuries were too great. I was broken inside and desperate. I had lost my trust in people, was afraid, and withdrew more and more. I could no longer cope with the whole situation and became anorexic. I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling and took refuge in an illusory world built on lies. I became a different person. It was a vicious circle that I couldn't escape from and that I felt was suicide in instalments. Years of outpatient and inpatient treatment in various hospitals and psychiatric clinics followed, but they were unsuccessful. I relapsed again and again.
Without my realising it, however, God had not forgotten me even during this time. During the whole time, I prayed, went to church, got to know deeply religious people and a priest who promised to pray for me. But the inner hurt was too strong, I kept falling back into my old despair and into behaviours that were directed against myself. At some point the doctors gave up on me. They told my parents and me that there was nothing more they could do if I didn't cooperate. It was only a question of how long my body would put up with it. Now I was at the end. Crying, I walked to the hospital chapel with my IV stand, a path I walked every day, but this day was special. I rushed to the cross and fell to the ground in front of it. I cried and screamed, "Jesus, if You help me, I will give You my life" - (a phrase Jesus reminds me of again and again to this day...) Then all of a sudden I felt a love that could not be put into words flow through me, it must have been the love of Jesus. My tears of pain turned into tears of joy - I had never felt such love before. I cannot put it into words... I asked God for forgiveness, held out all my pain to Him and experienced His mercy in full measure. This love that I experienced, completely turned me upside down. I only wanted to experience His love, everything else became unimportant to me.
I wanted to start over, to ask my parents for forgiveness for all that I had done to them during that time, ...I wanted to embrace the world and tell it about Jesus' love. But what I had not considered was that those around me no longer trusted me. I had betrayed, hurt and lied to them too many times. I had to give my parents and family time to trust me again.
God had never taken his hand from me. But He had also led my parents, especially my mother, closer to Him during this difficult time. Accompanied by the loving and faithful prayer of a priest and many other people, as well as by my mother's fasting, we managed to overcome this difficult time together. Again and again we placed ourselves under the protection of Jesus Christ.
After a few years, I was able to finish school and go to university. God had opened doors for me in this regard as well. But the hardest step was still ahead of me. I felt that I should forgive my tormentor. He was from Haiti and therefore dark-skinned. As a nurse, I wanted to love my patients and recognise Jesus in them. I did not want to be afraid of dark-skinned men. It was a very long and painful process. Again and again I just held out my longing to God and said to Him, "Lord, You have let me experience Your love and mercy. You died for me and rose again, You redeemed me! I thank You. Now I ask You: I want to forgive, but I cannot. Forgive, bless him, bless me and help me to be able to forgive him as you have forgiven me." I said this prayer again and again with tears and great pain, but with all my heart.
In time Jesus did give me a short meeting with my teacher. I was able to look him in the eye with a calm heart and then I knew that I had really forgiven him. God had heard my prayer. Now I was filled with deep peace. Praise and glory be to God.
At the beginning of my illness, I had to take hormones to get my cycle back in order. At some point, a doctor approached me and told me to stop taking them, explaining that when the soul was back in order, the body would also be back in order. This hit me very hard, because I wanted to get married and have children. So I consciously and confidently threw away the hormones. As a result of this I am able to say: God has given me three wonderful girls! This awareness fills me with gratitude every day!